waiting for monday

Well, here we are again. I’m days away from learning what my future holds. I have basically no say in the matter, despite my desperate desire to control something, anything at all.

Monday I have preemptively taken a “sick” day so I can focus and be present mentally for whatever is coming after my 6 month cancer scan. Of course I also scheduled a dentist appointment for the same day, a silly little double-booking mixup that is a bit of a habit for me. But having the day to take in whatever is coming my way seems like the best plan.

As Monday approaches, I don’t feel scared, just ready to get it done. Of course, the “scanxiety” was at its zenith a month ago. Theo had given me a much-needed excuse to think of something else. Exhaustion allowed me comfort…I didn’t have time or energy to obsess over cancer. But once we fell into a routine, my mind began to wander. Then I started noticing things about my body. Specifically I noticed pain - brutal pain - in the other (well, only) testicle. It was persistent and unrelenting. My brain knew that the chances of repeat testicular cancer were low, but I couldn’t imagine an alternative. I’d lie in bed just imagining what could be.

God bless my medical team. They listened to me share my concerns and were accommodating when I demanded scans, tests, whatever they could do to help. I’m sure this happens to all patients in limbo. We already have cancer, we just wanna know if we have more of it. To my doctors, they may have known all along that they just needed to satiate my curiosity. Maybe not. But they did, and no additional cancer was found in the remaining testicle. The pain was unexplained but has since begun to fade. Was it mental? Was it real? It certainly felt real. They believe it was an injury (as a dad to some rambunctious boys who are just the right/wrong height, they’re probably right).

I also have been desperate to control other aspects of my life. That has manifested itself in a few ways. I’ve been voraciously reading about…anything, actually. I’m taking classes online which require lots of reading, I’m constantly researching and implementing new strategies at work, I’m reading for pleasure, I’m searching out blogs and devouring music review sites, and I’ve written a half dozen blog posts which will never see the light of day, all in an effort to stay sane.

I’ve taken charge of my physical health as well. I still have tenderness from surgery so my exercise is mostly limited to walking and wrestling with the boys, but I eat very clean, and as a result I’m down to my lowest weight in the last 25 years. I feel great, I feel healthy, I feel like I shouldn’t have cancer. But the larger part of me feels it’s still there. I just don’t know it for sure - until Monday, that is.

December’s scans truly affected my brain. You may remember that I learned I still had troublesome lymph nodes at that scan and was told I would undergo aggressive chemo immediately. But just two days later I learned I’d not be doing chemo at all, at least not yet. It was a very confusing time.

To cope, I’ve been practicing more intentional quiet time whenever I can get it. I’ve prayed, but the prayers aren’t even words so much as just a conscious reaching out to obtain peace. God knows what I need more than I can express, and in those moments my words only serve to do me an injustice. When I pray for comfort and peace, God grants it. I’ve also learned more meditation practices where I can pinpoint and focus in on an issue or feeling and reflect on what it means. I also have learned perhaps a greater truth - I am free to meditate when I can. I meditate in my car after dropping off the boys at daycare. When I rock Theo at night, I stare at him and allow my mind to float and empty itself, to not obsess, to just enjoy the beauty of life.

There are multiple themes of light and dark happening at the same time for me right now, yet I still know I am a blessed individual. I have support and love from a great number of people. After all, I’m an eternal optimist for better or worse, and if anything I am hopeful that something will happen on Monday. I’ll either take action or continue to wait. I’m just ready to know which it’s going to be.