Protect your brain

When I first learned that I might have cancer, it’s really tough to explain what was going on in my head. On one hand, I’d been kind of oddly expecting it. It’s weird…at some point during my project writing to people on Facebook, a feeling came over me that I was doing something that a person who had a life-threatening illness was doing. Making amends, repairing bridges. I also thought maybe I was in a “My Name Is Earl” season, too. Both work. One less depressing than the other.

I admitted just this weekend that I had felt like something was wrong for a while, I just couldn’t prove it. I started writing to friends back in March. Sometime around April, I felt a dark sense of dread in my mind. I think in colors a lot of times. Green, white, red, purple…all of these colors alternately move and flow in my mind when I write to someone I really want to connect or re-connect with. Almost like a Windows Media Player visualization (below). Just imagine your inner thoughts as colors.

This image is actually a great example. Do you see how the darkness is closing in on the sides? That’s what it felt like in my head.

As I entered June, I was still writing to people and the darkness was still looming. Not every day, just when I sat and thought about it for too long. Then I had a great idea – I had a doctor’s appointment coming up, and I would ask for blood work and all of that stuff just to feel a little bit of relief. I received the results and everything was 100% normal. The darkness lingered, but I did feel some relief. This helped me with peace of mind in the moment and again months down the road, when I received my diagnosis, knowing I had to have caught it early since I was proactive.

So, peace of mind. A great phrase. I try every day to be at peace. I want peace at home, with family, with friends, with strangers. I did not feel peace when Vanderbilt called and told me that I had cancer. So to restore peace, I took a long shower where I just prayed. I told God that I appreciated the life He has given me. I just wanted to keep it for a little while longer if possible. I repeated this prayer many times, not putting restrictions on God but just telling Him how I felt. I also used meditation through Apple Fitness+ (side bar, I get Apple Fitness+ free through my health insurance…I suggest you check to see if you have perks like this with your insurance too). Meditation and prayer are huge areas for me personally to get to a good place.

I don’t talk about it publicly much, but when I turned 35 I had a crisis. A freakout. A spell. Whatever you want to call it, it was bad. Maybe I’ll say more about it in a later writing, but there were many problems: I was at my heaviest weight. I was self-sabotaging in almost every instance of my life. I wasn’t a good employee, husband, student, or any good to myself. I finally decided that I couldn’t take it anymore, and as my thoughts got darker and uglier, I had enough. This was going to end one of two ways, and I chose to fight back. I told Katie what was happening. I found a counselor for myself. We found one for the both of us.

People have mixed feelings about counseling or therapy. Some see it as a cure-all, or an admission that you’re crazy, or that something is “wrong” with you, or that you have a lack of faith. Some people avoid it because it truly hurts to talk about things that are not fun to talk about. But my personal experience is that it saved me. I did not want to reveal some things I had grappled with, experiences and feelings that I wanted to keep locked down, but when I did I felt more free than ever. The beauty is that in a healthy counseling scenario, you’re safe and protected. The person you talk to can’t tell anyone what you say. They listen to you, they hear you, and they give advice or homework when needed, but they never judge or exploit you. There is freedom in that. You can heal when it happens.

One counselor encouraged me to meditate in addition to prayer. Meditation also gets a bad rap, so let me clear it up a little. I do different types of meditation. Sometimes it’s a cool down from a workout just to clear my mind. Sometimes it’s focused, thinking hard on a problem and looking at it from every angle and perspective, leading me toward a solution. Sometimes it’s just being totally quiet and still, after everyone has gone to sleep, and actively trying to NOT think. Meditation is big and nuanced and was very helpful when I opened myself up to it.

This doesn’t mean I’m perfect or that I have it all figured out. But I do feel more inclined to head back in the right direction when I’m at my max rather than fold or quit. I’m currently looking for a new counselor (I actually started looking before I got cancer, and now the search has even more meaning) and will encourage everyone to at least try counseling. Even when things seem great, you can still benefit incredibly from taking care of your brain. Writing helps me protect mine – what helps you feel at peace?