Scans = One Week Away

I am one week away from my next round of scans, and I strangely have less scanxiety than normal. On Monday I will go to Vanderbilt for pretty much the entire day – I will be doing my normal bloodwork but instead of the usual CT scan with contrast, they will be performing a PET scan. I have to admit that I’m a little excited about something new, and I hope the results are a little more conclusive.

The idea is that with a PET scan, the team can get a better look at those two troublesome lymph nodes and hopefully deduce whether or not they’re cancerous. I’m going into the appointment with low expectations, but am remaining as positive as I can be.

I’m not sure what I would prefer the outcome to be at this point. It is such a bizarre feeling, because I know ultimately it doesn’t matter what I want…whatever happens is what happens. I’m at peace with that. As I’ve written about at length, remaining in limbo is incredibly difficult. But what I’ve learned to do is to not let my life pause because of uncertainty or fear.

Right now my days are scheduled pretty rigidly. With three kids, that’s part of the gig, but I am also laser focused on my health. I’m at the lowest weight I’ve been in nearly 20 years, and I feel amazing. If all goes well on Monday, I’m considering taking up running again. My brain is getting in shape as well – I’ve been going to a university online for about a year now, finally finishing a degree that’s taken me a while (understatement of the century) to complete. I’ll be done by this point next year if all continues to go well. I’m writing more than ever, and doing some editing for not just my day job, but extracurricularly for friends as well. It’s a lot to juggle but honestly? It works for me.

That doesn’t mean I don’t get tired, though. Last night I needed a break. I sat down and took apart approximately 20 Nintendo games and deep cleaned them. It was cathartic. I am really enjoying where my boys are right now – I took Jack to the theater to see the Super Mario Bros. movie last month and he’s subsequently all-in on Mario and Bowser. I wanted to show him how I experienced those characters in my childhood, so I’m hoping to do that today when I get home from work. I’ll document and share.

I’m actively trying to make these little moments into big deals. I want to enjoy and cherish all of these things. If I have to do more intensive treatments, I’d like to know that I spent my healthiest days doing things that mattered with my boys. If I don’t have to do anything else, at least I’m motivated. Structure is keeping me sane.

This is a mini-blog, as I hope and plan to write something every day leading up to next Monday. My writings this week will likely ramble, but I’m fine with that. Writing is therapy in its own way – it’s how I express myself and make myself heard. Anyone who takes the time to read this is providing the exact support that I need. As always, thank you for taking the time and for caring about me. I’ll be back tomorrow!