rebelling against "sick guy" status

let me be normal!

Surprise blog post! It’s been a really long time, and for good reason. I haven’t written in this blog since November 2023, and the reason is that I got tired of my identity as the “sick guy.”

We all have our problems and methods of dealing with them. For me, after a cancer diagnosis, I thought writing about it all would help me feel better. It did! There was a dopamine rush every time I posted a blog or podcast – I would wait for the comments and likes and subscribers to pour in, and it felt great. But then I realized that people wanted to talk to me about cancer all the time.

Pausing to say that THIS IS FINE! I never was offended by anyone who had questions. I am always willing to discuss cancer, in fact I love to – just didn’t want it to be all anyone thought of when they thought of me.

It became my identity, at least in my mind, seemingly negating everything else about me and placing my sickness on a pedestal. I felt like a painting hanging on the wall of a museum that people would look at, make a remark, and move on. And I wasn’t upset about that – to repeat what I just wrote, I love the questions and the conversation usually. But sometimes there are other things I wanted to discuss. I knew I placed myself on this sickness pedestal, and I was the only one who could take myself off of it.

So I just stopped writing.

In the meantime, I continued working and finished school. I graduated back in May! It was a lifelong goal to complete my Bachelor’s degree, and the pride and thankfulness that I feel currently is beautiful. I built Legos, I listened to music, I focused on running, biking, raising the kids and trying to be a better husband. I spent less time obsessing about cancer and accepting that there was very little I could do about what happens next. It’s still a part of my life, and always will be, but it’s just PART of my life.

But the desire to alter public perception of myself could not stop the deep emotional thoughts. I went to my scans every few months and allowed myself to feel all the feelings internally instead of in public. When I sat in the waiting room at the cancer center, I would feel anxiety as test results compiled on my phone prior to meeting with my oncologist. I would feel relief when tests appeared normal. I then felt sadness as I looked around at those people in the waiting area with me who looked like things were not going so well. Grief, in a way, for these people I didn’t know. Guilt because my situation wasn’t as bad. Thankful because my situation wasn’t as bad. Hope that the doctors could help everyone. Peace in the feeling that I was going to be okay; remorse that I could not freely give that to everyone else around me.  

Then there were other factors I had to consider, like whether I was oversharing or making people uncomfortable, and further, if that even mattered. What is the blog for? Is it for my own relief or to inform others? Both? Neither? Sometimes my brain can be a scary place – I’d wager anyone reading this could say the same about themselves.

So there you go. There are lots of events I could write about, and maybe one day I will, and I do still want to record more audio podcasts for the blog – I love to write and express myself in this way.

I just don’t want to be the “sick guy.” I want to be normal. I am by all accounts a normal 41-year-old (oh yeah, I also had a birthday and turned 41!) who is not unique in having illness. But the sense of community is vital to moving forward and being productive, so I imagine I will write more on here from time to time. Thank you for reading and for caring about me. I appreciate you all!