Protect your brain, Pt. 2

Electric Boogaloo, the Squeakqual, etc.

I started back at work this week. I finally started feeling more human-like last Sunday so on Monday it felt like a welcome return to some sort of normalcy. I was so happy to see my coworkers and they appeared to feel similarly. One thing was different, though. By 2 PM, I felt completely and utterly wiped of energy. This trend continued on Tuesday and Wednesday. I was still dealing with some pain, which was to be expected, but I did not anticipate just being so tired.

Because I was so tired, I felt like I wasn’t being a very good employee. Nor did I feel like a particularly great husband or dad, either. Wednesday morning I felt completely unmotivated as my alarm sounded. I snoozed multiple times, and considered just ignoring everything and sleeping. Let the chips fall where they may…I was feeling selfish. Katie nudged me around 6:30 AM and said, hey, the kids are awake and you need to shower. I mumbled something and kept my eyes closed anyway. Somehow I ended up outside of the bed and realized that my feelings were a little too familiar. I was feeling depressed.

I forced myself to get ready, to help with the kids, to drive to work. But I did something that I never did previously when depressed. When people asked how I felt, I told them. I felt bad. I didn’t want to be doing anything that I was currently doing. I wanted to sleep and for this post-surgery weight gain to leave my body magically. I wanted to have all the answers today, right now, and I was mad that I didn’t have them.

And believe it or not, talking about it helped. How about that! When I admitted I was having a rough day, it started to get better. I pulled up a testicular cancer subreddit and discovered other guys going through exactly what I am going through. I felt less alone. I learned that a significant percentage of men have get testicular cancer also experience chronic fatigue. I chatted with a couple guys who gave me tips on how to rest better.

I drank more coffee to perk up. I even drank an energy drink. At night, I had enough artificial energy to play with my kids and took selfies with them (posted below). Katie and I watched Bachelor in Paradise. It was an awful day that ended pretty well.

I’m currently searching for a counselor to really get this mental health in check. I am once again pushing past the ugliness of reality and the pain and the sadness and the unknown and instead clinging to the things I can control. I can help myself. I can pray, lean on my faith, and the people that I know are placed around me. I can accept help and love. I can be grateful for what I know – I am going to be okay. Not everyone dealing with cancer has that luxury.

But there is something to be said for allowing yourself to feel sad for a while. The trick is, don’t let it take over you. Because the reality is, quite often it’ll get better.